License by Cracker Jack

Dear Person Driving the Car That Just Darted in Front of Me at 80mph,

Hi! I’m in the car behind you…the one whose emblem was almost imprinted in your right rear quarter panel. Hope you’re having a great day, or at least that things will calm down for you soon. I mean, you seem a little tense, speeding up and jumping lanes and stuff like that. Kind of like you’re in a hurry, only forgetting that you’re ON A FREEWAY WITH OTHER VEHICLES CARRYING HUMANS. Sorry to raise my voice, I just wanted to make sure you’re paying attention, which seems to be a novel concept for you when you’re in the car. The reason for my note is to introduce you to this amazing feature that most foreign and domestic cars (and trucks!) offer. If you’ll look on the steering column, there’s this little rod that sticks out. Usually, you can find it on the left hand side. I suggest you look for this when you’re parked, not when you’re careening from lane 1 to lane 4 at excessive speed. Check that little stick out! It moves up. It moves down. And, if you’ll look closely, you’ll see it makes lights go on! That’s right, it’s connected to the turn signals on your car. Say it with me, “tuuuuurn signals.” Those are the lights that let other people, people like me, know if you plan to…oh, say, TURN or, in your particular case, move into the adjacent lane, whether someone is already in that lane or not. The turn signal is amazing. You can use it anytime you deviate from a straight path when you’re driving. And, really, to be honest, I have no desire to try to guess what you intend to do with 3000 pounds of steel and glass and flammable liquids on wheels moving upwards of 75mph. Yep, that one little rod does a mighty good job. Might I suggest you use it? I can only control this finger so much.

Love,
The Lady Who Kindly Didn’t Slam Into Your Stupid Ass